What to Say When You Don’t Know What To Say (Lessons I Learned Book Excerpt)
This excerpt is from my book Lessons I Learned From Loving You: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Healing scheduled for 2022 release.
Grief is so hard and people are often at a loss about what to say or do. These tips are designed to help you comfort someone who is going through grief in your initial meeting with them at the funeral, repast or visit to their home.
#1. Acknowledge the loss.
It is tempting to not say anything when someone is going through a loss. Sometimes the best thing to say is “Nothing I can say will make you feel better but I want you to know that I am here for you.” When people are going through grief they often feel alone and just knowing that there is someone who cares can help them so much.
#2. Follow the Clues of the Person.
Remember everyone responds to grief differently. Some people may want to talk about it and others may just want to be quiet. Acknowledging the loss and following the clues of the person you are comforting is the best way to let them know you are there for them.
#3. Don’t overwhelm them with platitudes.
It may be tempting to say, the person is in a better place or they are in heaven and wouldn’t want to come back to earth but I would advise against this. There are stages of grief and when they experience a loss especially if it’s recent they are sad that their loved one is not present with them. Telling them well meaning scriptures, ex to be absent in the body is to be with the Lord, sounds nice but it isn’t comforting.
#4 Keep It Short
When someone is greeting many people, after a funeral or during Shiva for example it is best to keep comments short. It can be overwhelming for a person to hear a memory in that setting. You might consider saying “Steve was a wonderful person, I am so sorry for your loss.” and then move along so you don’t hold up the line and the person who has experienced grief doesn’t feel obligated to give a long response.
#5 Remember Important Dates
Holidays are hard for those experiencing loss, particularly the first one but there are other dates that may be hard. The deceased’s birthday may be difficult, and it helps if the person experiencing grief gets acknowledgements on that day. It could be a card, text or phone call to let them know you are thinking about their loved one on a special day. Setting up a reminder will help you remember to acknowledge a special day. When Darren died my mom, and I celebrated his birthday by going to dinner.
#6 Have a Specific Task To Assist the Bereaved
When people are going through grief, they may not be able to articulate what they need. Offering to bring them dinner, babysit or some other chore that you know they need can be so helpful. There are a lot of adjustments the grieving person must make. A friend brought me dinner a few weeks after Darren died. Her simple gesture made me feel so much better.
#7 Refrain from Making Jokes
This shouldn’t have to be said but some people try to trivialize death. Jokes are not appropriate at this time. It is okay to share a short amusing story about the deceased but even then err on the side of caution. When my father died a deaconess from the church joked with my mother about dating. This caused much upset because she was not thinking of that after the death of my Dad. i want to believe this lady didn’t realize how hurtful her comments were and she was just trying to show comfort. It was not amusing and so I advise people to not joke when someone is grieving.
I hope these suggestions took out some of the mystery of what is appropriate behavior when offering comfort to those who have lost a loved one. The main thing is just letting those grieving know that you are there for them.