Don’t Be Afraid of No: Dating 101 ❤️

Dating is hard. Don’t get me wrong dating is fun but it is hard. One of the hardest part about dating is hearing no. Many singles (myself included) hinder our dating success by being afraid of rejection. We need to take the power out of a word with only two letters if we are to find companionship. I have learned from experience that life doesn’t end from hearing the word no. We are able to come back from hearing the word no in many aspects of our lives.

Why is the risk of rejection in dating any different from the other risks we take every day? When we job search we hear tons of no’s before we get an acceptance. This doesn’t stop us from applying for jobs. Every day we go after the jobs we want, the schools we want to get in and almost every other thing we want to achieve by getting past the word no. I didn’t get every job I went after but I gave it my best shot. This included perfecting my resume, making myself look the best I could and educating myself on the process. I learned a lot from the no’s and after each rejection, I analyzed the situation to make the next job interview better and eventually I got a yes.

This experience taught me two valuable lessons. One is that I have to go for what I want. The job I wanted didn’t just happen. I made it happen through hard work. The second thing I learned is that no is not the end of the job search process. I took each no and empowered myself to try again. The no didn’t defeat me it educated me on what I could do better, what I wanted from the job and often gave me great connections. These are the tools that I applied to my dating life.

I think we single people take the risk of no in dating very personally perhaps arguably too personally. I started analyzing my own dating life and I found that once I took the power out of the word no I enjoyed dating more and had many more dates.  I started looking at dating as just a process to get to know someone. This took a lot of pressure off. I scheduled coffee dates to run less than an hour so I could feel a person out. There were several questions I needed to get answered. Were they available for a relationship? What were they looking for? Was there a mutual attraction? How did the person appear on the date? Would we both be willing to do another encounter?

There are really only four things that happen when singles step out of their comfort zone and actively date with the right attitude. The attitude that worked for me was meeting people with the hope of finding where they will fit in my life. I met up with men to see if we could at least be friends. This took away so much pressure. Having this attitude gave me the courage to ask a man out for coffee. These short encounters helped me determine how the relationship would shape.

• You determine there is no connection. I had to get this one out first because it is the outcome that people fear the most. Finding out that a man is not a fit in your life is a good thing. Many women waste time they can never get back on relationships with men that aren’t good for them. Finding out early in the process that the person isn’t a good fit saves precious time that you can use to get to the person meant for you.
• You become friends.  I love my male friends. Every single girl should have at least three male friends. Good male friends give you a different perspective on relationships; they are supportive and build your confidence. There are degrees of friendship and having men in your life in platonic relationships is wonderful. These men also have friends, family and other contacts you can meet that might be a better romantic match for you.
• You become business associates. I have many men in my life that help me out with my businesses. I liked a guy I met through a friend though it didn’t work out in a relationship. Through our meetings, I found out he is a great artist. I have worked with him on a few projects and we support each other. I value this connection and respect our business relationship.
• You meet a romantic partner. It is so cool when a friendship takes a romantic turn. The best romantic relationships start off as friends. The benefits is you know this person without the pressure of romance. People tend to put their best foot forward on a date and you may not get to know the real individual on a first or second date. With a romance built from friendship you already have mutual respect for each other and know the person before the rose colored glasses of love set in.

 

I hope this article helped you think differently about dating. Please check out my post 5 Dating Truths I Learned from Paul Carrick Brunson. Brunson is the author of the book, It’s Complicated (But It Doesn’t Have to Be): A Modern Guide to Finding and Keeping Love. He is a television host, entrepreneur matchmaker, humanitarian, husband, and father.

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