6 Simple Truths I Learned From Reading Loving in the Grown Zone
Full disclosure before I start this review I know one of the authors personally. I used to be a frequent freelance writer for Black Enterprise magazine. I attended Rutgers University and wrote for the Black Voice/Carta Boricua as the Sports Editor. Loving in the Grown Zone : A No-Nonsense Guide to Making Healthy Decisions in the Quest for Loving, Romantic Relationships of Honor, Esteem, and Respect co-author Alfred A. Edmond Jr., is also a Rutgers alumnus who wrote for the BV/CB, helped BV/CB staffers break into the magazine industry by working for Black Enterprise. Edmond is currently the SVP/Executive Editor-at-Large of Black Enterprise.
I loved working for the magazine. The work was challenging but the place was so glamorous to me. Working for Black Enterprise was the first and only time I had worked for a Black-owned company. It was an experience I would never forget. I had missed the opportunity to attend for a semester, a Black college so working for Black Enterprise was the next best thing.
When I was looking for relationship books I naturally had to read the book written by Alfred and his wife Zara D. Green. The blue book cover features him and Zara. The simple truths contained in the pages are life-altering and had me nodding my head and saying “amen to that”. I have read so many dating books and some of them are very good but this book had something different, something that I needed to read and remember.
Loving in the Grown Zone: A No-Nonsense Guide to Making Healthy Decisions in the Quest for Loving, Romantic Relationships of Honor, Esteem, and Respect, differs from those books because it gives steps about working on yourself before you even attempt to get into a serious relationship. The advice about self- love and waiting for the love I deserved was something that I lost. Reading this book helped me remember that I was important and deserved someone good and settling was not an option.
We need more books on how to learn self-love. I wrote a post on self-love because the first person you must be in love with is yourself. How can you even think about loving another person if you don’t love and respect yourself? People are going into relationships believing that when they find the right person everything will be alright and that’s not true. I can speak from personal experience about disasters that were started simply because I didn’t truly have self-love.
This lack of self-love will have you spending time you cannot get back working on the “potential” in someone hoping that you can change them. That is not our job and in this book the authors clearly outline the dangers of what happens when people do this. I was at a church service and one of my friends suggested I work with a male friend more because I bring out the best in him. I guess this was supposed to be a compliment. But I felt like why does this man need me to help him be his best? This puts way too much pressure on me. Another good friends said it best, “I want a man to compliment me, not complete me.” No offense to Hollywood but movies have done a messed up job in telling us what to expect in a successful relationship.
It is not the money, sex or other materials things that is most important. It is how you are treated that it most important in a relationship. Read on for other simple truths I learned from my mentor on finding love.
SimpleTruth#1 You Get the Love You Accept Not the Love You Deserve.
There are too many comprises going on in modern relationships. In this book the authors use the acronym H.E.R. which stands for Honor, Esteem and Respect. These attributes must be present in all loving and healthy relationships. Sex, however good it is, is not love and does not equate to how someone treats you. Singles looking for successful relationships should make sure they are treated with H.E.R. This books stresses the wisdom of waiting to have sex. Good sex will cloud your judgement and oftentimes will become a contributing factor in not getting the love you deserve.
SimpleTruth#2 Guard Your Heart, Money, Body, Home and Cars.
In Proverbs it admonishes us to guard our hearts because even Solomon knew the folly of being too open too soon. It is not wise to be to free when it comes to giving our hearts, bodies and material possessions . Most relationships don’t last past a few months so singles should be extremely careful when sharing their heart, body, home or cars. This is not something that you want to do early in a relationship because we are all strangers to each other in the beginning. A lot of women especially look at “potential” instead of what actually is. A man or woman should not expect their partners to share assets (both physical and material) with them in the beginning.
SimpleTruth#3 Move on From Past Relationship Mistakes.
The first step in doing this is to forgive past relationship mistakes. Sometimes this requires talking to someone or going to therapy. Failure to do this can result in continually dating the same person. What I mean is the names will be different but new the person will have the same personality and tendencies as the previous person. When we fail to forgive our past mistakes we are destined to repeat them and this hinders us in finding true love.
SimpleTruth#4 Enjoy Being Single.
I was talking to this attractive man, and I asked him about relationships. He said he wasn’t looking for anyone but he was open to love. He enjoyed being single because it gave him time to work on his projects. I thought that was a mature answer. There is nothing wrong with being single. Singles have a lot of freedom and time to work on themselves. I am enjoying being single, because as one of my married friends said to me, “The worst thing isn’t being single, it is being married to the wrong person.” There is so much misery when you are not matched with someone compatible and supportive of you.
SimpleTruth#5 Heed Warning Signs.
One of my favorite quotes is from Dr. Maya Angelou, and it goes like this, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” There are often signs that things are amiss. I was in a bad relationship and stayed too long because I ignored the warning signs. Men who can’t hold a job, blame the world for their problems or are in any way abusive should send any self-loving woman running in the other direction. In the same token, women who won’t work, expect a man to pay for their expenses and/or have abusive tendencies should send any self-loving man running too. We must all remember that it is not our jobs to change another adult. When we see the warning signs we need to take heed.
SimpleTruth#6 Know What Characteristics You Need in a Partner.
This is one of the hardest things I had to learn and remember. Oftentimes when I would be talking about a guy I liked, my friends wanted to see a picture of him. With social media, it is not hard to do this. Once they saw a picture, the first thing they talked about was his attractiveness. Singles seeking a mature relationship know that attractiveness is not major consideration in who we should let in our lives. Please hear me, of course there has to be some physical attraction when we look at a potential partner (Please check out my post 5 Dating Truths I Learned from Paul Carrick Brunson) but we cannot stop there. A healthy relationship should include emotional support and encouragement, forgiveness, honesty, integrity, compassion and fidelity among others. Loving in the Grown Zone has a whole list of characteristics to look for and the reasoning behind them that I found most helpful.
I have seen it too many times that women will dismiss a man because he isn’t tall enough, light enough or some other trivial thing that doesn’t hold water in a relationship. I dated a man that everyone thought was so attractive. He was physically attractive but he wasn’t supportive or encouraging, honest or able to be loyal. Physical attractiveness is not enough. I was at a dinner and one of my friends spoke about her husband. She preferred tall men and other physical qualities that her husband didn’t have. What he did have was the qualities mentioned in Loving in the Grown Zone and she is immensely happy.
I hope you all will go out and purchase Loving in the Grown Zone. It is available at GrownZone.com/shops/ and Amazon. I learned a lot from this book and I felt it made me grow as a person. You can also check out Alfred and Zara on weekly radio show.
Please check out my previous post 5 Dating Truths I Learned from Paul Carrick Brunson, author of the book It’s Complicated, (But It Doesn’t Have to Be). Feel free to leave a comment on dating or relationship tips that have helped you.
Candace Waller is the author of, What Goes Around Comes Around the sequel Good Things Comes, and the upcoming book Lessons I Learned From Loving You, A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Healing.